Day 10 // In 3 Months, You Will Ask Me.
Ask me if I’m writing. I promise I will say yes, but accountability never hurts. This entire challenge from @laura.tremaine turned out to be more fulfilling than I could have imagined.
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I went in these 10 days intending to stretch my writing muscles. Between work and mom life and marathon training, writing had taken a backseat. After the first day, I discovered that these prompts were bursting with potential to go beyond just words that fit nicely. My comfort with sharing online ebbs and flows. Sometimes I post a lot, sometimes I take breaks. I blog from my heart, but it’s inconsistent. In being challenged to share daily, I quickly had to come to terms with being transparent and authentic, even on days when I didn’t feel like it.
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I stretched my soul and searched for words to accompany feelings. I internally answered hard questions that stemmed from some tougher prompts. I’m not a grammar nerd, and I use way too many commas, so I had to proofread my face off. Yet, in all of this, I confirmed what I already suspected to be true: I really do love to write.
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In 3 months, you will ask me whatever you want. That’s up to you. But whatever it is, whatever starts the dialogue, let’s keep it going. Everyone has a story that changes daily. For my fellow over-planners, that is overwhelming on the surface. But I think the benefit of living in an evolving story is that we never run out of things to talk about. #10ThingsToTellYou // Pic Credit: @jenlaurenphotography
Day 9 // My Magical Reset Button.
Something I can rely on to reset my life is a run. It can be outside on the roads or inside on the treadmill. My mileage can be short or long. Everything about my run can feel perfect, or it can be what we affectionally characterize as “character building.” I’m not picky. My steps strike a rhythm, my breaths deepen, and my strides lengthen to work in harmony and leave my soul renewed.
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I have taken prolonged breaks during pregnancy and injury, but whenever I lace up my shoes and reunite with running, I’m thankful to be back. I don’t always love it, and yet, I somehow need it. I am humbled by it. I am thankful to have something in my life that makes be feel centered, clean, and alive. #10thingstotellyou #running #runchat
Day 8 // Right Now, I’m Struggling With
Right now, I am struggling with my writing about Darla. I have been writing about it at length, and the hope is to share it someday. For so long, writing has been something I’ve done as an after-thought: when I finish everything else, if I have an idea, may I make time for a blog post or two. But now, this project I started, it feels more real.
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My struggle exists in finding balance in my voice. Sometimes I cry as I strive for the words to describe an experience more massive than just words: it’s sights and smells and colors and emotions. Sometimes it makes me so tired. Loss is painful, and sometimes writing about it takes so much out of me, I worry I haven’t left enough in the tank to get through the rest of the day as a “good mom.”
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I wonder if my writing about my loss is too specific, too personal. I worry I am bumming people out. I worry people feel sorry for me. I wonder if I write about loss too much. I don’t want to be grief-specific. I am unsure if I talk about loss enough. There is so much hurt in the world.
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I struggle to remember some exact details, I wonder if I am being clear. I am not a natural born story teller, I tend to leave out important details when I tell a story in-person. I wonder if my writing is good enough. I use too many commas. I worry that my story is a story that’s been told before. I worry that someday, my girls will read what I wrote and they won’t like what I shared.
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But more than anything, I worry that if I don’t tell this story now, I will lose my chance. I don’t want to seem like I am fishing for compliments of my writing; rather, I just want to be real. .
And so, here I sit, wrestling with more ideas than words written, working to my sense of a story that sometimes still doesn’t feel real. I don’t know what all these pages will become, but I know that if I don’t keep chipping away, I will regret it. #10thingstotellyou // Pic Credit: @jenlaurenphotography
Day 6 // A Defining Moment in my Life
I never could have anticipated the moment I decided to go out with friends one June night after my biology study group would permanently change the course of my life. It was just an average summer night: the weather was nice, my work load was light, and the Pistons were playing. It was 2001, back when we went places to watch the Pistons.
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I know I was sitting next to Jon, but I don’t remember officially meeting him until we had moved to another location with pool tables. I remember someone saying, “You can be Jon’s partner!” When Jon asked for my name, rather than respond like a normal person, I decided to give him a fake name.
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Don’t get me wrong, I thought he was super cute. I had just been burned a lot around that time, and I kept telling myself I wasn’t interested in meeting anyone. “Jessica!” I blurted out. People always said I looked like a Jessica. I’m not sure how you can look like a name, but nevertheless, I figured it would work.
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New to the whole fake-name game, I forgot that I was wearing a necklace with my actual name on it. Rookie mistake. He went along with it for a bit, but finally, he said “I know what your name is; I just want you to tell me!” I don’t remember my response, but it seems made some kind of impression on him.
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10 years later, my life is what it is because of the decision to go out that night. We celebrated 7 years of marriage, have made 6 trips in a moving van, unpacked 5 apartments before buying our first home, experienced 4 states, have been blessed by 3 pregnancies, are raising 2 amazing little girls in our home, and we have 1 sweet angel baby waiting for us.
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Our life together is a beautiful adventure. It’s more than I could have imagined. I’m so glad I went out on the night that started everything. I’m not going to say that I endorse lying, or recommend using a fake name to meet your significant other. However, even though it’s not a new sentiment, all it takes is one exceptional moment, disguised as ordinary, to define your life. #10thingstotellyou @jaydubya04
Day 5 // I Have Mixed Feelings About
Watching my kids grow is a source of internal conflict in my mama heart. I most definitely have mixed feelings about it.
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There is a part of me that wants them to stay tiny forever, stay with me forever. Kids are so good, so pure, not yet hardened by the world. Their hands are so tiny, their hearts are so loving. I can keep them safe right now.
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In the midst of their most exhausting tantrums, they know how to make me melt into a tiny puddle. I change more diapers than I’d ever imagined possible. I wipe spills, wipe bums, wipe sticky fingers, wipe tears. I answer more questions than Jeopardy. But hearing the same voice that asks about where her foods goes after she eats it, whisper, “I love you, mommy, you are my most” feels like nothing else.
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And yet, I am conflicted because keeping them little is not only impossible, but it wouldn’t be good for any of us. With growth comes pride in the newness. I feel a sense of relief as the responsibilities change; suddenly, things make more sense. Skills emerge. They seem less frustrated by the limitations of their bodies, as their minds always seem to grow faster. Their unique personalities begin to blossom; it’s amazing to recognize myself in another person, and yet, be completely surprised by that person at the same time.
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I have mixed feelings about my kids getting older. I love them little, but I also love who they are becoming. And like anything in life, it doesn’t really matter how I feel about time passing. It’ll pass anyway. #10thingstotellyou Pic Credit: @audreynicolephotography
Day 4 // I Am Strangely Good At
I don’t love emptying the dishwasher, but I know I’m strangely good at it. Anyone can do it, but I time myself.
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I have a system in place that optimizes productivity by only accessing each cabinet once. It’s not the fact that I can unload the dishwasher fast that makes me proud, it’s the fact that I have improved the process. The desire to improve each process in my life, in work and at home, so that I have more time left over makes me excited. My dream job is working in process optimization consulting, I’m not even kidding.
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Making things run more smoothly makes extra time for the best things in life...the extras. Nerdy? Maybe. But more time for baby snuggles, coloring pictures, reconnecting with friends, drinking my coffee while it’s hot....all because I was more efficient? Sign me up! #10thingstotellyou
Day 3 // A Thing That Changed My Worldview
I’ve never felt so aware of the world as did leaving the hospital with Gracie after she was born. As it had in the years leading up to this event, my world changed again as we exited those hospital doors.
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After losing Darla, I had dreamed of the day I’d leave the hospital with a baby. I longed for the normalcy of a typical hospital discharge, and yet, as the papers continued to be signed and the bags were packed, my anxiety heightened.
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I realized that I had no clue how to take care of a baby. They were just going to let me leave with her! Clearly, this was some kind of oversight. I signed the line on the birth certificate for “Mother” but I didn’t know how to actually mother. It occurred to me how few babies I had actually met.
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The nurse helped us fasten her in the car seat. Could I really do that myself? She looked too tight. Was she too tight? Maybe too lose? Suddenly, the world seemed complex.
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Jon brought the car around, and we clicked the infant seat into the back. Like many new parents, I rode in the back seat. I wanted to keep eyes on her. Suddenly, the whole world felt like one giant trap; every movement felt like an accident that was narrowly avoided. The sun was too bright, the construction was too loud, the other drivers were too aggressive, and worst of all, we didn't know how to take care of a baby. Suddenly, the world seemed so harsh and unfit for a baby.
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I eventually passed out, draped over the foot of her car seat watching YouTube videos on infant CPR like I was cramming for a final exam. When we finally arrived home, that 15 minutes of blissful sleep refreshed me slightly. The world around our house was the same as it had always been: still, green, inviting. We were the ones who had changed.
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We unclipped her seat, carried her through the door for the first time, greeted our cat, and began our journey on the other side. We were just two new parents who didn't know what the heck they were doing, and a baby who loved us anyway. #10thingstotellyou
Day 2 // Someone Who Has Influenced You
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When I look back at my life, there is an event so massive, it interrupted everything: becoming a mother for the first time.
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Like so many women, I wasn’t prepared for everything I’d feel when I got that positive test. And yet, the emotions I felt knowing that she was in there, growing, seem to betray me when I learned I might lose her.
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My first baby, Darla Jane, couldn’t stay here with me, but she redefined the course of my life. From that very first positive test, through losing her, to now: her presence pushed me to live beyond myself, hope at the risk of unimaginable hurt, learn to live with the deepest of wounds, and eventually, open myself up to motherhood again.
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Darla stirred up my life, woke up my faith, pushed me to be brave. I didn’t think I could handle losing a child, but I didn’t have a choice. She shaped me as a mother for her future sisters.
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As a friend told us after she passed, “you don’t have to live very long to make an impact on the world.” Without speaking a single word, she changed me forever. We will meet again.
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Darla influenced me. #10thingstotellyou
I’m starting late, but I didn’t want to miss out. // Day 1: I Grew Up
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I grew up in a small to big town that felt big to me. Sandwiched between the unsalted water of the Saginaw Bay and flat, repetitive rows of corn, I got my start in life. The sweet smell of sugar beets roasting smells like my childhood.
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I grew up the oldest of three girls. My earliest adventures were with my sisters. I’d say that our personalities fit like pieces in a puzzle: not really overlapping, but fitting together just so. I was the bossy one, but the oldest usually is. I had a lot of ideas: talent shows, parades, building cities, playing house.
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I grew up loving words. I loved to read and I loved to write. I don’t remember much about what I wrote, just that I always needed to have a notepad with me. I loved to read with such a passion, I would sneak in a few sentences of whatever book I was reading during my fourth grade spelling tests. My teachers thought I was trying to cheat, but I wasn’t. That would have broken a rule; I didn’t break rules, with the exception of my massive library fines.
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I grew up with dreams. I wanted to be a professional ice skater, go to the Olympics on the uneven parallel bars, be an artist, a physical therapist, and eventually, an architect.
In fact, wanting to be an architect led me away from my hometown, and to the University of Michigan in Ann Arbor.
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I didn’t end up becoming an architect, however, I met my husband in Ann Arbor. Presently, we make our home near Boston in a small town outside the city. We want our girls to grow up and know how to experience silence, to create their own entertainment, put on their own talent shows, have space to run.
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I love returning home to Michigan. I am always surprised at what has changed, and what stays the same. I measure time by visits, using the last time I was back as a benchmark. I am who I am because grew up in a midwest city by the bay. #10ThingsToTellYou
