my western nest.

This small hanger caught me by surprise one average morning.  I was in a rush to brush my hair, because of course, we were 2 seconds away from being late.  We are always late.

I opened my drawer and thought to myself “another sign of Gracie,” grabbed what I needed, styled my mom bun, and left.

The next day, I opened the drawer and the little hanger was still there.  In a more quiet moment, I realized how many signs of being a mom were all over my life now.

I thought about how none of my necklaces can be left within reach, and about how my closet is one of Gracie’s favorite places in the whole house.  I remembered how Avery seeks me out when she hears my voice. I reminded myself to revamp the childproofing in the kitchen, as Avery is now crawling.

I thought of how Gracie reflects pieces of me that I previously thought unremarkable:

My obsession with coffee, even though she doesn’t drink it.

My stubbornness.

My awkward dance moves.

My love of extravagant musical numbers.

The way I say “no thank you” right away when I am asked if I need help in a store.

So much of who I am presently comes from being a mommy, and yet almost all of what Gracie knows has come from watching me.

According to research, the single most important role model in any child’s life is the same-sex parent.  In this, the qualities I wish to blossom in them must be planted in me.

I want my girls to grow up valuing grace over perfection.  I desire for them to be strong so that they are shielded them from the shame our world projects on those who are unique.  I hope to model humility and dignity.  I pray that they automatically choose love out of habit, and that they be little lights in a world that often favors darkness.

It’s funny how much just a tiny hanger reminded me of something massive: my daughters are always watching me.  When I least expect it, at a time I may not find convenient, they are still there.  Right now, I am their main influence.  Right now, I can work to shape them into remarkable humans that are impenetrable to the pressures of this world.

Even when I stumble, may they see me shake off shame and grow in grace.

I eventually had to move the hanger, but the pause it gave me was truly something permanent….even though it was just a hanger in the wrong place.

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